Marauder Moments
by scarletnight72
Summary: Moments in the lives of the Marauders: '..Not able to deal with this level of stupidity, Remus calmly closed his book and took off for the library.'/'Sirius scooped up baby Harry.."Don't cha wish your Daddy was cool like me? Don't cha wish he wasn't a four-eyed freak!"/"Moony...Moony...MOONY!...I'VE KILLED REMUS!...Wait...Does anyone have some chocolate?"
1. Chapter 1

Whenever Remus wanted to see Padfoot, his best bet was always at James and Lilly's place. He knocked on the door and heard two male voices chorus 'come in!' He opened the door and found Sirius and James, in their pajamas, eating ice-cream and laughing hysterically at a Muggle cartoon show.

"Blimey mate, these nicktoons are the shit!"

"What'd I tell ya Pads? What'd I tell ya?"

Remus Lupin promptly shut the door and walked back home.

* * *

Lily Evans was going to murder James Potter. It was about time that arrogant prat learned that he could _not_ keep harassing her every single bloody day. She marched up to the boy's dorm, ready to give him a piece of her mind, when a low moan stopped her.

"I-I don't know if I'm ready for this Rems.." came Sirius Black's voice.

"Shhhh. It'll be fine Pads. Trust me, I know what I'm doing," Remus soothed.

"Well…you do have more experience in this area than me…"

"Yes I do. Lots and lots of experience."

Holy freakin Merlin, what on Earth was Lilly listening to? She stood frozen in place, jaw slack. Surely they weren't… I mean this was _Sirius and Remus_…

"So..it..it won't hurt much will it?" Sirius asked, sounding slightly scared.

"It'll hurt a little at first, but then it'll be just fine, you'll see."

"Okay..just..make it quick, yeah?"

"Of course…Now hold still."

Lily felt her face burn crimson. No..no..they wouldn't..couldn't..

A whimper.

Soothing mummers.

A small shriek.

More calming words, telling Sirius how good he was doing.

Another soft whine, then silence.

Lily put a hand to her mouth. _Oh Sweet Merlin, they did!_

The door opened and out walked Remus, arm wrapped around a teary-eyed Sirius. Remus raised an eyebrow at the flushed and gawking red-head outside their room. "Can I help you Lily?"

Lily had to open and close her mouth several times before she could form a cohesive answer. "You..You..I ..no.n-nothing, just..I didn't hear anything!" She spun on her heel and walked off as fast as her little feet would carry her.

Remus stared after her slightly concerned, till Sirius recaptured his attention. "Remmie?" the boy whimpered.

Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled at his friend's dramatics. "Yes Siri?"

"You're still taking me to the kitchens to get ice-cream, right?"

"Yes Padfoot. I think allowing me to finally pull off that band-aide is worth a kitchen trip."

Neither Marauder would know why from that moment on, they could never be in the same room with Lilly without her giving them some odd, 'knowing,' kind of smile….

* * *

James was a stag. He was elegant, graceful, gallant! Heck, he was elegantly, gracefully, gallant! He leaped through the woods in beautiful tandem with nature, inspiring awe—

Until his hoof hit a rock and he came tumbling down, nose first.

When asked how James broke his nose, Peter and Remus got no answer except Sirius's hysterical laughter and James's mad muttering about 'bloody evil rocks.'


	2. Chapter 2

Marauder Moments

* * *

Sirius's and Remus's beds were directly next to each other so when Sirius came back to the dorms, a little more than tipsy, it was easy to mistake Remus's bed for his own. Tonight was one of those nights.

~~~morning~~~

Lily skipped up to the boy's dorm to say good morning to her boyfriend James. "Everyone decent?" she called, skipping in, eyes covered.

"We're all good Lils," James called. "Moons and Pads are still asleep though."

Lily opened her eyes and gasped, face flushing at seeing the two teens passed out in the same bed. "…Umm…James..?"

"Yes love?"

"..Do they sleep in the same bed often?"

"Once every couple months or so. Just whenever Sirius comes home so buggered he can't find his own bed."

Lily gave her boyfriend a sad, pitying look. Only he could be so naive and blind to not realize his friends were obviously shagging. Poor simpleton.

* * *

"Hey Moony!" yelled James.

"Yes?"

"Who's sexier? Me or Padfoot?"

"Neither. You both fail in comparison to my own sexiness."

"….Well damn."

* * *

James was happily skipping down the hallway when he bumped into someone and fell over. Whoever he bumped into helped him up.

"Thanks mate," he said, then froze, seeing just who it was that had helped him.

_Snape._

The Slytherin obviously hadn't realized who James was either because he ripped his hand away and opened his mouth to make a sarcastic retort, but was cut off by James's ear splitting—and highly unmanly—scream.

Twenty minutes later, the other Marauders still couldn't lure James away from the sink where he was scrubbing his mouth out with soap and gurgle-screaming about thanking Snivillous.


	3. Chapter 3

Marauder Moments

Mr. Potter sat James and Sirius down, looking oddly grave. "Boys, I need to talk to you about something."

"Is everything alright dad?" James asked, worried. Even Sirius had sobered up, clenching his hands in nervous anticipation.

"Well, the Misses and I have been talking, and we've decided it's time for 'the talk.'"

James and Sirius exchanged looks of pure horror. Oh Sweet Merlin's left testicle, no!

"You see boys, when a man loves a woman…"

The two boys never spoke of what happened in that room. It was as if two hours of their lives had been completely erased. Later that night, they flooed to Remus's house, threw themselves in his arms and sobbed, but would never tell the bewildered werewolf why. In fact, they denied that such a thing ever happened and claimed Moony was making it up to get attention. After a bribe of the chocolate persuasion, Remus agreed that yes, he had made it up, shame on him.

Munch.

* * *

Peter looked up at the clouds. "..That one looks like an ice-cream cone."

"That one looks like Lily," James sighed dreamily.

"That one's like a sheep," Remus pointed.

"And that one looks like a leprechaun raping a unicorn while his half-troll brother makes his babies watch." Sirius calmly stated.

The other Marauders all slowly edged away from the possibly psychopathic Black.

* * *

Sirius hid behind the wall, watching Kingsley nervously. James prodded him forward. "Go on Pads, a bet's a bet."

Mentally preparing to be crushed by Kingsley's almighty muscles, he approached the living wall.

"Hello Kings."

"Black."

"…"

"You need something?"

Sirius dropped dramatically to one knee, snatching up the larger man's hand. "Kingsley Shacklebolt, you sexy devil, will you marry me?"

"No." Kingsley answered immediately and unemotionally, calmly taking back his hand and walking off.

"YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST THOUGHT ABOUT IT!" Sirius yelled after him as the Marauders laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

Marauder Moments

* * *

"Hey Sirius?" James asked, sitting next to his best mate.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think Evans will ever love me?"

"No."

James punched his arm. "Git. You were supposed to lie to make me feel better."

"Oh was I? My apologies good sir. Yes, Evans will come riding to your doorstep on a pink unicorn, singing your praises. On her way to consummate your relationship, she will be kidnapped by the dastardly Snivillus, whom you will explode, saving the young red haired maiden! You will then ride off into the sunset on your pet hippogriff, where you shall have lots of steamy rescue sex, and pop out little mini-Potters everywhere. The end."

"Couldn't you have at least tried to make it believable?" Peter asked, flipping through his comic book.

"It's Evans liking Prongise. There's nothing believable about it." Sirius explained.

Oblivious to their conversation, James clapped Sirius on the back. "Yes, that is how it would happen, isn't it… Though her unicorn would be a lovely green to match her eyes; pink clashes with her hair."

"Sorry mate. I'll remember that in the future."

"S'alright Pads. You tried your best. That's all I ask for. Now tell me the story of how I propose to Evans."

Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. "You flew to the sun on your broom….."

The other two Marauders tuned the story out, deciding now would be the perfect time for a kitchen raid.

* * *

Peter threw open the door to the dorm room, excited. "Hey guys, I found—"

He stared.

James and Sirius were on the floor, hogtied. Neon green duct tape covered their mouths. Remus sat on his bed, reading calmly.

"What did you find Wormtail?" the werewolf asked pleasantly.

The boy looked nervously between the teen on the bed, and the ones on the floor. Sirius and James were struggling, pleading to him with their eyes.

"Err..I found ten gallons."

"Good for you. You'll finally be able to buy that comic book you wanted."

"Y-Yeah."

Silence.

"U-Um," Peter stuttered. His stutter grew worse when Remus looked up, giving him a friendly smile. James and Sirius were trying to roll towards him. Sirius's tape slipped off.

"WORMTAIL, YOU HAVE TO HELP US, MOONY—"

Remus flicked his wand, casting a silencing charm on Sirius. The animagus's eyes widened in horror, as he frantically moved his mouth but couldn't produce a sound.

"Yes Peter?" Remus asked kindly.

"I-I'll..just..be going now…"

"Goodbye."

"Yeah…bye.."

He slipped out the door and took off running down the hall.

INSANE! ALL HIS FRIENDS WERE BLOODY INSANE!

* * *

"MR BLACK, STOP SINING IN MY CLASS THIS INSTANT!" McGonagal yelled.

Sirius grinned cheekily, keeping up his singing. "But Minnie, I've got the perfect song for you! OH, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAAAGIC! IN A YOUNG GIRL'S HEART!"

"NO!"

Sirius stopped, staring at her in shock. "But you're a bloody magic teacher! If you don't believe in magic than why the hell are we here!"

Two weeks of detention later and Sirius's question had still not been answered.


	5. Chapter 5

Marauder Moments

* * *

"Hey Moony, how come we never cuddle?" Sirius asked out of the blue, giving Remus a sulky pout.

Remus stared at him for a moment, debating on whether or not the teen was serious (no pun intended). "…Because we're both blokes?"

"Oh, yeah. Forgot about that."

Remus chose to ignore that statement in favor of returning to his book.

* * *

"Hey Jamsie boy?" Padfoot said, plopping down next to his bestest buddy. "How come we never cuddle?"

"Cause we both have penises."

"Hmm. Right you are good sir. Right you are."

Thus the two began a six-hour long game of exploding snap.

* * *

"Oh Wormsie!" Sirius called out, running to catch up with the boy.

Peter stopped, waiting for him. "Yeah Pads?"

"How come we never cuddle?"

Wormtail stared at him for a moment, then deciding this was some kind of prank, continued on his way to class.

* * *

Sirius went up to Lily, hands on his hips. "Ha! In your face! I've asked three other blokes and they've all agreed that guys cuddling is weird! I don't care what happens in your girly-books, but real men never 'hold each other for the sheer need of comfort!'"

Lily sighed. "Did you bother to ask anyone besides one of your Marauder friends?"

"Of course not! That would be weird."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N:** the repeat chapter has been fixed! Chapters 1-4 are old, 5 & 6 are new!**

* * *

Sirius swept dramatically into his dorm room. "Boys," he called to his fellow Marauders, "I'm in love

"That's nice Pads," James mumbled, not looking up from his game of chess. They'd all heard Padfoot's love proclamations a hundred times.

Sighing dreamily, Sirius sat down next to Peter, grabbing one of his peanut-cluster-frogs, but Remus stopped him.

"Your girlfriend is allergic to peanuts."

"So? And how do you know that?"

"I know because I was there when she told you, and it means that you have to choose between peanuts and snogging."

"…..Alright, I guess I can give up peanuts."

"You do realize that includes peanut butter, right?"

"Bitch gotta go."

* * *

"Evans," James said, "will you—"

"No."

"But I—"

"No."

"But you didn't—"

"No."

"I just—"

"No—"

"I—"

"No."

"DAMMIT WOMAN! WILL YOU AT LEAST LET ME FINISH AN EFFIN SENTENCE BEFORE YOU STOMP ALL OVER MY FRAGILE MAN-HEART!"

"MR. POTTER! DETENTION!"

"Yes Professor McGonagall," James sulked.

"Pff!Heeheeheeheehaaaheee"

"Shut up Padfoot."

Cackle.

* * *

"Hey Remus?" Peter asked.

"Yes?"

"Can you be around cheese?"

Remus slowly looked up from his book and into Peter's eager face. James and Sirius were listening intently. "Um, yeah…why wouldn't I be able to be around cheese?"

"Cause you're a werewolf!"

"…..And?"

"Well since the moon is made of cheese, wouldn't just being around it make you all wolfy?"

Behind Peter the other two boys nodded enthusiastically. Not able to deal with this level of stupidity, Remus calmly closed his book and took off for the library.

"..Maybe it has to be in the shape of a ball?" Peter asked his friends.

"….Maybe it has to be a special type of cheese…" James murmured.

Sirius nodded. "Betcha it's gouda cheese. Gouda's always seemed a bit fishy to me…"

* * *

Author's note: Feedback please!


	7. Chapter 7

"If sexiness were measured in chocolate, I'd be a very fat man," Padfoot sighed, eating the last of his valentines candy.

"But if you were fat, you wouldn't be as sexy," Peter said in a rare moment of wisdom.

"…..You just blew my mind…"

* * *

James brushed Lily's silky hair back from her face. "You're so beautiful.."

She gave him a soft smile. "And you look ridiculous."

"Why thank yo—. Wait, what?"

"Sirius drew a Hitler mustache on your face during Charms."

"B-but that was _five hours ago!_"

"Yeah, I know."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner!?"

"I was too busy laughing at you."

"And all those pictures you took of me!?"

"Blackmail. And for my own personal amusement."

Sometimes James thought his girlfriend would make a pretty good Marauder.

* * *

Sirius gulped, sitting on the hospital bed next to Remus. It was the first full moon after they'd found out Remus's secret; the first full moon where they all saw the horrors the transformation ravaged on the small boy's body. James and Peter had gone to get lunch, but Sirius had opted to stay behind. Asleep or not, he couldn't bare to leave his friend alone when he was wrapped in layers of bandages. The werewolf's eyes fluttered open, focusing in on Sirius.

"Siri," Remus asked in a small voice.

"Yeah Rems?" Sirius whispered.

"You're squishing me."

Sirius looked down to where he was, in fact, sitting on his friend's legs. "Oh. Sorry bout that mate."

"S'okay. Just do us both a favor and lay off the candy."

"Bloody tosser. See if I decide to comfort you with my superioryously amazing presence again."

"Somehow I think I'll survive without it."

"But will you really _live?_"

"Most likely, yes. Now budge over."

Grumbling 'ungrateful prick,' Sirius scooted over.

"Sirius, now you're on my other leg."

"Well you're just a picky little berk, now aren't ya?"

* * *

Author's note: Sorry about the long absence. I've had some health issues. I've started working on updating Beast; no clue when it'll be done though.


	8. Chapter 8

There is no excuse for delaying posting these for so long. They were pre-typed, just sitting on my computer, plus I personally promised one of you months ago that there would be an update. My apologies.

* * *

Marauder Moments

* * *

"Why are you walking so fast?" Peter complained to Sirius who was, in fact, walking at a ridiculously fast pace.

"It makes me feel powerful!"

"That would be why it's called 'power walking.'" Remus commented dryly, huffing a little to keep up.

Peter made a face. "Isn't that what business women do?"

Remus frowned at his friend. "Now where would you get a silly idea like that—"

Sirius came to a screeching stop. "Bloody hell, it is! That's exactly how I feel! I'm a business woman! A BLOODY FREAKIN BUSINESS WOMAN WITH A TWEED SKIRT AND RIDICULOUSLY HIGH HEELS! HELL HEELS! MUST SNOG GIRLS BEFORE BITS FALL OFF!"

The two boys watched Sirius run down the hallway, straight into a wall, and slump to the floor.

"…"

"….."

"…."

"….He's probably okay," Moony sighed. "Let's get to class."

"Kay."

* * *

James frowned, seeing his good old buddy Pads lying spread eagle, seemingly passed out in the middle of the hallway. He nudged the boy several times with his foot. "Wakey wakey Paddy. The halls are no place for naps. Wait till you make it into the classroom."

Sirius cracked an eye open. "Jamsie," he croaked.

"Yeah Pads?"

"My..my bits…"

"…What about your bits?"

"Will you check if they're still there?"

"No."

"But..But….I'M A BUSINESS WOMAN!"

James left his friend screaming in the corridor, not wanting to get dragged into whatever nonsense he was going on about.

* * *

"Hey Evans?"

"Yes Black," the redhead asked suspiciously.

"Do I look like a business woman to you?"

"Why yes Black, you most certainly do. Why would you even need to ask?" she said in her best sarcastic you're-an-idiot voice.

Apparently, little Paddy did not comprehend sarcasm because he sprinted out of the room yelling "IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE!" and "JAMIE! REMMIE! PETESIE! COME ON GUYS! HELP A MARAUDER OUT AND JUST _CHECK_ FOR ME!"

Lilly vowed that she would never date James Potter even if his personality did do a 180 simply because she would never be able to mentally deal with his best friend.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I've come to realize that I make a lot of gay jokes towards Sirius and Remus. No clue why. I just see Sirius as the kind of person who, while being perfectly straight, would flirt with anything that moved just for the fun of it, thus, in my head, jokes are made. I apologize if it offends anyone.

* * *

Lilly couldn't believe what she was seeing/hearing. Potter was casually talking to some girl (Lily could only see the girl's back, but it was undoubtedly some tramp. No girl with morals wore their skirt that short…though she had to begrudgingly admit, the girl had the legs for it…), leaning against the wall next to her in what was a decidedly flirtatious manner.

"Sooo," he said in a laid back, charming voice that Lily did _not_ find attractive at all, "We going to Hogsmead together next weekend?"

Lily didn't hear the girl's answer, but from the smile on James's—Potter's! She meant Potter's!—face, it was definitely a yes. Lily's gut clenched in response, but she stubbornly ignored it; what did she care if Potter got himself a date? It just meant he wouldn't be pinning after her for once. This was a _good _thing, a thing to be celebrated! In fact, she'd go wish the happy couple congradu-freakin-lations right now!

The closer she got, the more her eyes narrowed. Stupid slim, tan bimbo with her two short skirt and nice legs, and silky looking raven hair.

"Well, Potter, I see you've finally—_SIRIUS!?"_

Both teens had turned at her approach. Lily didn't know what she'd expected the girl to look like, but she had most certainly not expected it to be _Sirius bloody Black in an effin skirt!_

"Oh, hi Evans!" James greeted, nonplussed.

"Yo," Sirius said with a nod.

"Wh-what are you doing i-in a bloody skirt!" the read-head sputtered.

"Enacting some perverse fantasy of Remus's. My little Moon-pie likes things kinky," he winked.

Her face flushed. "B-B-But! Your legs! You shaved your bloody legs!"

"He likes them _really_ kinky."

Lily spun on her heel, practically sprinting away, trying not to imagine how _kinky_ the shy prefect liked things. At least the unwanted image helped to cancel out the mortification she felt over being jealous of bloody Sirius Black in a skirt going on a date with James Potter. Wait…. Oh sweet Merlin, that sentence was so wrong in so many ways.

James looked over at Sirius with a frown. "Why didn't you just tell her that you lost a Quidditch bet?"

"Please. It's waaay less embarrassing to have people think I'm Moony's sex-toy than to have them think I'm Quidditch-stupid."

(Author's note—Prompt: 'Lily gets jealous when James dates another girl' by Bibliophilist. Probably not what was expected by this, but Sirius in a skirt was—for some unhealthy reason—what immediately came to mind when I read it…)

* * *

Remus shook his head sadly, watching James nervously approach Lily. "He doesn't honestly think that she's going to magically say yes after all these years, does he?"

"Well we do go to a magical school…"

"Sirius! You know what I mean," Remus laughed.

"Right I do mate. Hell would freeze over before those two hooked up."

James gulped nervously, running a hand through his hair then abruptly dropping it—Lily didn't like his sexy-hair-messing-up-ness. "So, um, Evans…want to go out to Hogsmead with me?"

Lily sighed. James really had become less of a prat over the years…and he did look awfully cute when he actually showed he was nervous.. "…Okay."

"Now look, I know you keep rejecting me, but damn woman! Just give a wizard a chance!"

"James, I said okay."

"Seriously! One chance! One bloody chance is all I ask! Just one, freaking, bloody, little—"

"DAMN IT POTTER! I BLOODY SAID 'OKAY!' LISTEN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!"

"…Oh…well then…"

"Meet you in the Common Room at noon?"

"Yes..yes, good, quite…"

Lily calmly walked off, leaving a dazed, face-splitting grin adorned James behind.

Sirius and Remus looked on in shock, jaws dropped. "…Well," Sirius said slowly, standing up, "I better go to Hell and reset their thermostat."

(Authors note— Prompt: 'go to hell and reset their thermostat' by Elinor Nightshade. I think I took the obvious approach with this one, but it was a brilliant line :) )

* * *

The Marauders groaned as James went through his closet for the millionth time.

"All your clothes look the same mate," Sirius sighed, bored from the lack of activity.

"I know, but I have to have the perfect outfit for this date! I mean, it _Evans_—err, I mean _Lily_!"

Peter nodded his sympathies, while Sirius muttered darkly about James being 'a bloody woman with miniscule, baby bits.'

Remus wasn't normally one to stroke James's ego, but he was getting tired of dodging the projectile clothing flying form Prongs's closet. "James. How attractive are you?"

"Very. I'm the epitome of dashingness. You're smart, you should know this Moony."

"So then, won't you look good in anything?"

James paused in his frantic closet-mutilating. "..You're right, I will.. I, James Potter, have always been, and always will be, hot as hell!"

Peter and Remus both nodded in affirmation, preferring an ego-inflated James, to a clothing-panicked James.

"Soooo," Sirius drawled, "we're all in agreement that Prongsie is 'hot as hell?'"

At the three nods, he lazily hoped off his bed. "Well, better go turn hell's thermostat down some more. Can't make a liar out of the Marauders."

Remus frowned. "Didn't use already use that line less than an hour ago?"

"It's just that bloody brilliant Moony. That. Bloody. Brilliant."

The door shut.

"…..Where do you think he really went?" Peter asked timidly.

"…Well, it may not be Hell," James said in a sagely voice, "but wherever Sirius Black goes, it's definitely not holy."


	10. Chapter 10

Marauder Moments

Remus sighed, closing his eyes as the shower's steamy water relaxed his muscles. He valued his showers; with the Marauders as friends, they were the only quiet time he had. Just when his inner musings on life had reached such a serene point that his was on the very edge of achieving Nirvana and ultimate enlightenment, something large jumped over the shower door, screaming, and sent him crashing down to the floor.

Remus let out possibly the loudest blood-curdling scream of all time. Students everywhere stopped what they were doing in confusion, and animals of the Forbidden Forest ran for cover from the horrible screech.

Moony finally came to his senses, scream dying in his throat. Sirius was sprawled on top of him, nearly chocking on his own laughter. "SIRIUS!" the werewolf squawked indignantly. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I'M _NAKED!_ AND _WET!_"

"Haaahaaaahaaahahaha! Your-Your face! Sohahah Funny! You! Haa! Scream! Haaa haahahahaah! Girl!"

The bathroom door bust open and what looked to be the entire boy's side of the Gryffindor dorm, with James in the lead, came running in.

"Moony, Moony, what's wro—!"

James froze. The boys froze. Remus froze. Sirius froze. Time itself froze.

James audibly swallowed. "Oh..um..er..Carry on then..just..A little quieter if you will."

Sirius shot off Remus, who was beat red in mortification. "No! It's not what it looks like!"

But the boys were all quickly exiting, some looking annoyed, some embarrassed, some snickering. The door closed with a loud thud.

…..

"…Sirius. Orion. Black," Remus spat with such murderous intent that all the hair on Sirius's body stood on end. "You. Attacked me. In. the. Shower."

"..Err..Haha? it was funny, right?"

"…"

"…Right Moony?"

"…"

"…Moons…what are you doing with that Shampoo bottle…?"

"…." –smirk-

James groaned, hearing Sirius screams echoing from the bathroom.

_'AHHH! PLEASE, MOONY, MERCY, MERCY! I'M AHHHHH! SORRY! SOOORRYY! AHHHH! FORGIVE THE PADFOOT! FORGIVE! FORGI-AHHHHHHH!'_

"Do they have to be so bloody loud and kinky all the time?" he asked himself in exasperation.

(Author's note: Prompt—Soaking wet by OnceUponAMidnight)

* * *

The Marauders lazed around their dorm room, too bored to actually do anything. Moony had been studiously ignoring Padfoot all day, still angry about the shower incident, and had the curtains drawn around his bed, sulking.

"Hey Paddy?" James asked.

"Yes Monsieur Prongsy?"

"How do you think we're going to die?"

"Well you, being the loony-Lily-lover that you are, will die valiantly, trying to protect her fair maideness. But your antlered offspring will avenge your death by growing up to kick ass, win hearts, and pretty much save the whole bloody world. Oh, and at some point in his life, he will beat a dragon with nothing but a broomstick. True story. Wormy will live a rugged life on the streets, probably losing a limb or two along the way—" Wormtail paused long enough from reading his comic book to shudder. He liked his limbs attached to his body thank you very much—"And," Sirius continued, "Moony,the old romantic that we all secretly known he is, will die hand-in-hand, in an epic battle against good and evil, with the woman he loves."

"And you Monsieur Insanity?"

Sirius dramatically grasped the curtains hanging around his bed, twisting them about his body. "Why death by drapery of course. Who but I could pull of dying in such a fashionable way?"

The two boys burst out snickering, but Remus couldn't help but feel unnerved. So what if his friends—mostly Sirius—were bloody insane and had no concept of personal boundaries. They were his friends and one day they would be gone… He wasn't going to waste any time with them sulking just because Padfoot was in need of dire mental care. He came out from his curtains and sat beside Sirius. "What do you guys say we celebrate Sirius's astounding seer abilities with some chocolate? My treat."

James and Peter both looked up at Remus with wide-sparkly eyes, touched that he would share his much coveted delicious goodness, but Sirius shifted guiltily. "Err, about that mate…I may have kind of sorta eaten the last of your secret stash…"

"…."

"…Moony?"

"I hope the drapes that kill you smell like mothballs."

(Author's note: Prompt—When James asks Sirius, what he thinks they'll all be doing in a couple of years, Sirius gives a random but accurate telling of their sad fates by 2)

* * *

Sirius sat down on James's bed, putting on his best serious(siriusly serious) face he could. "We need to talk, Prongsy."

"Why? Did you forget how to tie your shoelaces again?"

"No! And I was drunk, so that one time doesn't count! Anyway, we need to talk about this whole Evans-obsession business because frankly mate, it's getting a bit worrying."

"Sirius not this again—"

"Ah! But you see this time, I've brought a chart to assist me in my explanation of you recent loss of sanity!"

"…You made a chart?"

Nodding eagerly, Sirius dove under James's bed and resurfaced with a slightly bent piece of cardboard. The cardboard had what appeared to be a circle with random patches scribbled in.

James blinked. "…And you kept it under _my_ bed? How long has that thing been there?"

"Since last Tuesday."

"…What's that red splotch?"

"Ketchup. Making charts is hungry work. Now anyway, if you refer to this blue patch, you will see that your Evans obsession is subtracting from your Sirius time by seventy-seven percent. Here on the yellow patch we see a thirty-two percent distraction from Quidditch, the teal—"

"You used teal? What kind of man uses teal?"

"Mighty men with extremely large genitals. Now as I was saying, the teal shows a twenty percent reduction in pranking time. Now we all agree these are bad things, yes. Very. Bad. Things."

James rolled his eyes. "You're making those numbers up Pads."

"Fine. Then maybe this last statistic will make you give up this unholy obsession with Evans. Do you see the purple patch? That's your chances of Evans ever even learning to tolerate your existence."

"….But there isn't a purple patch."

"Exactly."

"….."

"So you see Jamie-boy, you should really stop chasing that skirt and devote all you time to the gloriousness of me!"

"…."

Sirius walked into the Common Room, a cheap piece of cardboard hanging around his neck like a dog collar. Remus shook his head, sighing. "I told you you shouldn't have shown him the chart."

"Oh go bugger yourself."

(Author's note: Prompt—I knew it was a bad idea to show you that by Elsie-Phoenix).


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Thank you so much for all of your support, but, sadly, I am no longer taking prompts, since the last few chapters of this story were/are already typed. I would have mentioned so earlier, but I honestly was not expecting this story to garner enough interest for new prompts. After this, there will only be one more chapter, but I must say, your prompts have been so good that I'm tempted to go ahead and do them. Seriously, I have yet to read one I didn't find interesting.

* * *

Lily sighed exasperatedly as Sirius danced around her kitchen. "Can't you find somewhere else for that Black? Like maybe _your house_?"

Sirius ignored her, and began singing. "Don't cha wish your husband was hot like me? Don't cha wish your husband was a freak like me? Don't cha?"

Remus placed a consoling hand on Lily's shoulder. "And you thought James was a prat."

She nodded. "As bad as he is..if he were more like Sirius…" she broke off with a shudder. "Merlin, I pray for the poor soul that would have to look after _two of them!_"

Sirius continued his dancing to the living room where James was sitting with Harry. "Don't cha wish you wife was hot like me?"

"Sorry mate, but even if you did have the right bits, I prefer red-heads. And quit pelvic thrusting in front of my child, you're scaring him."

Sirius scooped up baby Harry who shrieked with laughter, and spun in circles. "Don't cha wish your daddy was cool like me? Don't cha wish he wasn't a four-eyed-freak?"

Harry gurgled, and clapped his hands, yelling 'yi' (Harry-speak for 'yes'). James shot his son a hurt look. "Traitor."

* * *

Remus was calmly sipping coffee in his house when the front door burst open and in ran Sirius. "Don't cha wish you were hot like me? Don't cha wish you were all sexy like me?"

Remus groaned, sliding down in his seat as the animagus continued to belt lyrics (which were now muffled as the fiend had stolen a piece of Remus's toast). "Can't you at least sing a different song?"

"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a land slide of the amazing Pa-a-dy! Open your eyes! Look up to the skies and seeee! I am so seeexy! Oh so very se-ex-y! Cause I'm super-hot, and like to plot. With abs of rock and a giant co—."

Remus stuck a sticking charm on Sirius's lips that was so potent, it took two-weeks to fully wear off; the werewolf regretted nothing.

(Author's note: No one probably noticed, but Lily's line 'Merlin…._two_ of them' is very close to something Remus says in my other story Beast : ). The first song is 'Don't cha' by the Pussycat Dolls, and the second is (kind of) 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen.)


End file.
